My daughter was recently retaking a quiz with her math teacher. She cares deeply about her grades and sometimes it is very difficult for her to think straight when she is stressed. Fatigue gets in her way if she has worried about an assignment or an exam. It will haunt her all day if she doesn't do well. I know all of this and more about my daughter. I can feel in my gut what it felt like for her when her teacher got frustrated with her for taking so long to complete a problem and said these words, "Just give up. You clearly don't know it. Move on to the next one."
Do I believe that the teacher actually said this. Yes, I do. Am I angry at the teacher for hurting my child. No. I think I understand. I don't like it, but I get it.
When I picked her up after school those were the first words out of her mouth. She doesn't usually have a whole lot to say about school. She's quite an introvert and processes much differently then I do. What I am thinking is right out there. She internalizes, agonizes, thinks and dwells. At that point I might get a word or two about something that happened. When something comes out directly, I know it is big and she is upset. "She told me to give up...."
What my daughter heard and what her teacher said could easily have been two different things. It could have been that her teacher wanted her to move on to the next question rather than stress about the one she was on. She was stuck and maybe she was trying to unstick her. Maybe the teacher was just frustrated that the after school minutes were ticking away and my daughter was getting upset at being unable to complete a problem. Either way, the result was the same. My daughter was wounded and now when she thinks of that class, those are the words that she hears. It can't be undone.
I hurt for my daughter and I want to be angry at the teacher. I want to blame and march in there and tell her what she has done. But then I think about my own classroom and start to wonder what words I have said during the course of my time at school that could have done the same thing. Did I rush someone? Discourage them? Did I inadvertently give anyone the message that I didn't think they could do the work? I'm pretty sure that without realizing it, I could have. Sometimes I forget that the little things I say and do can stick to a child and then, without meaning to, my classroom means something else to them. I forget that they don't always hear things the way I think they do.
It is hard to be patient all of the time. It is difficult to always say the right thing for each and every child and I fail more often than I would ever care to admit. I'm going to try to hear my words more carefully and maybe, just maybe, avoid giving a child the wrong message.
I told my daughter that teachers make mistakes and maybe her teacher did just that. I told her that her teacher cares about her. I told her that I was confident that her teacher has no idea how badly she has hurt her. I encouraged her to talk to her teacher, to give her teacher a chance to understand how she feels about the words she heard. I hope she will. I hope that she and her teacher talk and that the words can fade..... I hope that, not if, but when I hurt one of my students this way, that someone will tell me. And some how, I can make it right again, before they do the unthinkable, and give up. I never never never want that for any of my students, and especially not my daughter.
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